So mum and dad are still not talking to each other. The day after is New Year and for the first time in 11 years we'll have guest over. And for the first time in 3 years I'm back for New Year. And for the next 5 years I probably won't be back for it. All of these don't stop mum from refusing to reconciliate over a quarrel that started on Sunday. Their record is 2 weeks of silence before it was broken on mum's terms - that dad writes an account of his actions leading up to the quarrel, explaining how he had been in the wrong. xie3 jian3 tao3 - it's the kind of stuff that's in fashion for CCP in the 2nd half of last century. If you are ready for moral catharsis to attain spiritual purity I dare say you can go for it. Utter humility, awe for a greater truth/power, whatever. But in general it's kinda hard on the dignity especially when you aren't in the wrong. Dad isn't. That's my opinion at least. He told mum openly this time that she had been in the wrong, amongst many other things. It was a rare act of rebellion that cost him the present suffrage of dignity. Mum herself on the other hand thoroughly thinks she's the victim.

I say something, mum distorts the meaning (Type M behaviour) and her dissatisfaction of the past gets stirred and she gets angry. Her unreasonable anger inspires anger in dad and they quarrel and bad things are said and mum withdraws with new wounds. So she has more right to be the victim, to comtenplate aloud jumping off 10 floors and to say "I'm fine" in that you3 qi4 wu2 li4 manner, looking straight ahead like a tragic queen, while craving attention. After this phase has passed, her energy is renewed and she fights off dad's efforts at reconciliation. She wants something like an unconditional apology. Not gonna let dad worm his way into favour again. The cause of the quarrel must be brought up and re-examined and the righteous be awareded and the evil be punished. Must not let the class enemy off so lightly. This is called "Life doesn't stop and the (class) war goes on". When ceasefire comes she'd talk as if she had wanted good for the family. "Why don't us just live in harmony? Wouldn't it be great if we speak nicely to each other and avoid quarrels such as this?" (Type S) Mum can't tell who's speaking nicely and who's not. A result of mostly character traits of Types M and N. I guess she thinks she's a prophet or something. Her words must make sense. So if we contradict, she's the victim. If we follow, she's wisdom itself. If we contradict, the woes of the world befall onto her alone. If we follow, she's smug and contented in her world of stadium and radio.

The more I write the more it's not gonna help my frustration. What else should I try? Just go up to her and her stadium hang-out and speak aloud in mandarin, "Will you stop this ridiculousness?" I wonder what'd happen if I spoke that out loud to her in front of strangers. She'd be smiling weakly and breaking out in cold sweat while not being able to take in what I mean at the beginning. After the hurt has sunken in she'll again self-victimise for defense. She'll be staring blankly ahead and looking out at the window. Maybe I'll dare her to jump. Maybe I'll slap her and tell her to shape up or she doesn't eat. Wanna be the victim totally? Well I can let you be one. Not hard to do at all. What a monster.

No no mum-hating doesn't work as well. It's not even like she's mad at me this time. Best solution that can happen = dad writes jian3 tao3 in a clever way and let the matter slip by before the New Year begins.

Advice

Giving advice is not about being kind, but more about solving the problem or "preventing disaster". Good for people who are clear-sighted enough to foresee disasters. (I'm not one who foresees my own disasters.) However, kindness is a means to expedite the end of disaster-prevention. Otherwise, when human sensitivities get messed up the advisors get nowhere. Several situations between advisors and advised:

1. King and subordinate: It's well-known that the subordinate needs to speak carefully but not keep quiet entirely. If the king is wise, the subordinate can afford to be a little more direct. If the king takes advice to be personal attack on his own competency, then the subordinate might speak only stuff that sounds good. That's not being kind. The king doesn't need understanding or comfort (or isn't supposed to need). He doesn't discuss personal matters with his subordinate anyway. He just needs to feel that he's still the master.

2. Towards strangers: I told RZ yesterday that I'd give advice to a friend in a discussive fashion as though I were the salesgirl in a departmental store presenting clothes to a customer. Do all I can to make her understand but not impose on her (or "push my agenda", as what SJ said). Does it sound as though I'm treating a friend like a stranger? That it only works if the business of my friend is none of mine? I don't think so. There's a parallel between kindness towards a friend and politeness towards strangers. Doesn't Singapore's Courtesy Campaign involve being kind? In any case, being unassuming and polite to a stranger enables him to willingly do things for you (such as moving aside) and not feel like he's done something wrong and should get defensive (of course you can't rule out the guys to whom no amount of politeness on your part would work). Which works in the same way as when a friend receives advice.

3. Within a family: Where we feel the most comfortable. So we speak our mind. If we offend, we quarrel and forget. (Though I should say that's what I deduce about what a family is like. It works differently for my family. For my mum in any case. In some particular moods of hers.)

4. Between friends: Friends start from strangers. So people who keep boundaries are less likely to make friends who are able to let them tui1 xin1 zhi4 fu4. The opposite that could happen to sensitive people is that when she thought she could tui1 xin1 zhi4 fu4 she finds the effort of the other party half-hearted or over-zealous. What she needs is some talking and be listened to, that's why she'd appreciate body language, gestures and facial expression of attentiveness and kindness. But the need to be listened to sounds kinda selfish, since she makes the other person entirely passive. So she says, "I need advice." But effective advice is hard to take. She feels hurt and judged and gets defensive, but doesn't know who to confront or blame.

How frustrating. Like what the Chinese call "knots in the intestine". There are all those other things that you could be doing or talking to have fun in a friendship. I guess that's why I never got comfortable with discussing personal problems with friends. M&M were fine, but it was only because of the rather explicit and straightforward nature of my problem then. And I suspect I never verbalised real sentiments anyway. More like an American who exclaims "Man! What a disaster!" and laughs at that.

Tagged

被点名了！接着该干什么？付钰你其实看不看我的blog的啊？

问题1：如果看到最爱的人熟睡在自己面前,你会做些什么？

把他拽下床。

问题2：写首自己最最喜欢的歌吧,然后写上为什么,要具体点哦。

很 多。最近喜欢洪劭轩的《临别衣袖》，是首新谣；其实以前一直都不以为会喜欢新谣，因为觉得内容太才子佳人，太肉麻。而且梁文福一口福建口音听着扎耳，嗓 子又不好听。不过现在在新加坡各色纷呈的文化里头，觉得只有新谣抒发的感情比较诚实纯朴，不拼了命地去模仿，也不流于低俗、一昧搞笑。算是我在新加坡文化 中找到的一种寄托吧。

《临 别衣袖》表达的是别后想怀故乡和故人的情调，而nostalgia这种情怀对我有独特的吸引力，就好像milan kundera所谓的少年人最怀旧，我想我是不能放下那种淡淡的忧伤和难以启齿的怀念所带来的感觉的。这首歌用的是西部乡村音乐的风格，有萨士管的声音贯 穿整首歌；乡村音乐在美国好像被认为是土包子的音乐，我倒是喜欢它轻快明朗的节奏和比爵士乐清晰的主旋律。

问题3：当你最不知道穿什么颜色的时候,你会选什么颜色啊？

我会穿那件蓝色的bal champs t-shirt，是我指定的“上班即将迟到”衫。

问题4：2005年，你最后悔的一件事是什么？

有些事一开始觉得后悔，后来时过境迁后就想不起来了。

问题5：如果有一天，你突然发现自己变成了动感超人，而且还会放动感光波，就是比较丑，那么你会不会维护世界和平？
什么是动感超人? 丑但是能维护世界和平的话我干。

问题6：曾经有过最被感动的事情是什么?

最近的事：逸凡在BP等我到7点半
从前的事：读林黛玉之死（小时候）；看到瑞珍贴在blog的907合影的时候

问题7：忍不住常要去吃的东西----是什么?店名叫什么?在哪?

milo和饼干。我办公室的pantry.

问题8：如果你是男生（是女生的想象自己是男生），一个很胖但是五官很漂亮的女生和一个身材很好但是很丑的女生，你愿意选择谁做你女朋友？

我会先选身材好的；然后再看宁静以前的样子接受再教育。

问题9：如果明天就要死掉，你现在最想做但后悔没做的事是啥？

我永远都不确定我到底想做什么，或者说分不清想做和应该做的区别。
没能在美国痛痛快快地开车，开遍全美国。
没能跟爸好好住上一段日子。

问题10：如果给你一笔钱，让你现在选择一个地方和恋人过一辈子，你会去哪里？

不喜欢留在一个地方。会过居无定所、到处流浪的日子。

问题11：做过最坏的事情是什么？做错之后是怎么弥补的？
看到jo的窗口有人影时假装不知道sy在她家，而前去送饭，然后作出受害者的姿态凄然离开。没有弥补。

问题12：当你有一笔额外的收入(1000元以下).你是会买自己爱好的东西捏(比如我喜欢唱歌,我还差个声卡)还是买表面工程?(表面工程包括衣服,化妆品等等)
看我那一刻更需要什么。

问题13：如果给你一天时间成为一个明星，你成为谁？为什么？

王菲。不用讨好也可以出名。

问题14：生命中的第一个爱人在心中占什么样的位置，他/她是否在你心中永远占有特殊位置？

是很特殊。启发我对人生和自我进行了解，让我明白了很多“道理”。

问题15：请分别对你即将tag的五个人各说一句肺腑之言

分别呀？说句笼统的吧：我希望伊朗之行快快结束。

问题16：如何才能做到“早睡早起”？

睡觉前深吸一口气，强行关掉电脑，做眼保健操，最后摒除杂念。

问题17：每个人教我一道自己最拿手的菜的做法吧？

不怎么会做菜哎。。。以前全仗钰钰姐了，现在有妈。

问题18：请被点到的人回答最近最想念的人是谁？

爸！但是他不会被点到。逸凡吧。

问题19：怎样才能知道自己到底想要什么，然后坚定的去争取而不再轻易的犹豫和动摇？[出题人rui costa]

上面已经说过了，还不知道该怎么办。可能需要在长了许多知识和见识之后吧。

问题20：感到孤独时你做些什么？[出题人henna]
看书。

问题21：你认为人生最值得追求的三种品格是什么？理由。 [mazha]

高尚的情操/追求远大目标的理想
有涵养/人不知而不愠的君子行为
赤子之心

问题22：你最知心的朋友是谁，同性还是异性？[smell]

异性。

问题23: 变成一棵植物, 你想做什么? 生活在哪里? [popo]

和很多别的植物生活在一起，在没有人迹的地方。

问题24：如果roommate无理取闹，让你忍无可忍怎办？

离开房间。

问题 25: 你收到过最令你难忘的礼物是什么? [田琳]

22生日时收到的turbo。我的第一个soft toy。

问题26：你为什么和我一样会坚持答完所有的问题？[付钰]

有始有终嘛。接下来该我出题吗？好吧。

问题27：哪段音乐会强烈地使你想起以前的哪种情景、画面？[jy]

oops 差点忘点名了。

逸凡，.......
errr... who else? can't imagine i'm this limited in terms of societal contacts. WuDi. SJ? You are fated to be multiple-tagged. Oh well I guess I do know people but they don't blog. Liu Zhicheng (I don't even know if this guy reads my blog or not), Leng Yujun (???)

夜里肚子饿的滋味

昨夜赴实龙岗练琴，匆忙间少进夜食，且阴雨连连，颇有饥寒交迫之感，故取巫君半新不旧曲一首，乃填半通不顺词一幅，聊以自慰。

你知不知道 夜里肚子饿的滋味
就像是喝下一杯冰冷的水
再很勉强地告诉自己
我吃饱了 可以安睡

你知不知道 饥饿的滋味
饥饿是为了要减肥
你知不知道 痛苦的滋味
痛苦是冰箱空空 无处着嘴

你知不知道 夜里肚子饿的滋味
就像是欣赏一种残酷的美
就像是身无分文的时候
穿梭夜市的烧烤摊位

你知不知道
你知不知道
你知不知道 饥饿的滋味
饥饿在“燕瘦”横逞的社会

小时候听过的歌

一部少年儿童电影的插曲：

大山里飘着白云
白云里长着山林
山林里住着象群
阿祖的歌啊传到、传到如今，传到如今

鸡公公唤醒了太阳
风婆婆赶走了阴云
大青石沿着山林
菩提树下微风、微风轻轻，微风轻轻

有哪一天能将小时候的东西失而复得，像《圣斗士星矢》那样就好了。不过全部得到了以后又怎样呢？

谭嗣同 《狱中题壁》

望门投止思张俭，
忍死须臾待杜根，
我自横刀向天笑，
去留肝胆两昆仑。

这 首诗我第一次读了就觉得后面两句极其顺 口，喜欢念个不停，但也不觉得它有什么特别之处，不过是另外一首慷慨就义的诗罢了，感觉上跟文天祥的“人生自古谁 无死，留取丹心照汗青”差不多。现在可能是因为读法源寺的缘故吧，是无论如何不会把慷慨就义的诗句看成是“另一首诗”的了。更何况在这首诗中，前两句小时 候只觉得念起来拗口，现在竟发现有精彩的典故。还是用李敖的话说：

“‘望门投止思张俭’是写后汉张俭被政府通缉时，他亡命遁走，因为他有 名望，大家都佩服他、都掩护他，害得许多人家都因掩护他而受连累。谭嗣同用这个典， 表示不愿连累人，所以不愿逃走。第二句‘忍死须臾待杜根’是写后汉杜根在皇帝年长后，上书劝太后归政，太后下令把它装在袋子里摔死，幸亏执行的人暗动手 脚，使他虽受伤但得以装死逃生，谭嗣同用这个典，表示未能就太后［慈禧］归政皇帝［这件事］上，有所成就，但忍死一时，目的也别有所待。”

中 国人在“死”字上都有那么多的心理转折，那么多人情文章可以做。相比之下西方人总喜欢呈现死的无意义的主题，倒显得他们怕死了。这跟宗教极端主义是有关 系的。极端主义和偏激的感情是在逆境中产生的；没有抗日战争，就没有黄继光堵枪眼儿的故事。试想想太平盛世中，谁还会将这样的故事作为激励自己的材料呢？ 西方国家富足之后哲学理论才能百花齐放，不用否定死亡总是不愉快的事实。但是清末丧权辱国之时，有志的知识分子就可以将古人各种各样跟国家有关的死法儿拿 出来讨论得津津有味。而且一古可以古到商周的年代，完全不理会几千年来民智的发展和当时君臣心理在当代社会的可应用性。

第三句的解释更突出了李敖一贯的辩才。除去一些词汇的重复，和他把历史小说当他的哲学散文来写之外，他对中国古代一些情结、思想还是有能力作出较好的归纳的。

“第三句‘我自横刀向天笑’是写他已视死如归，从容殉道。...　‘慷慨成仁易，从容就 义难。’慷慨与从容是两种不同的高层次处世态度、赴难态度、牺牲态度。慷慨的表现，有一股很强烈的激情，或两目圆睁、或破口大骂［怎么有点像台湾的政坛 呢？］、或意气纵横、或义形于色。以慷慨态度准备处世、赴难、牺牲的人，他们在内心里，有十足的正义的理由，但在外表上，却是感情的，并且世纪情、强烈的 激情形式的。... 中国人说“慷慨成仁易”，因为慷慨成仁的时候，都在实践的高潮点上，在高潮点上的人，是情绪最冲动的、最激情的，这时候的当事人，常常心一横，可以作出许 许多多大勇和大牺牲的伟大行动，而不会冷静顾虑到别的利害与困难，也不会有恐惧、伤心、痛苦、古迹等等使人沮丧、软弱的情绪。事实上，在高潮点上不久，当 事人也就“成仁”了，死得没有破绽、没有拖拖拉拉，很干脆。所以说，慷慨成仁是比较容易的。正因为慷慨成仁比较容易，所以，有人相信：不给当事人慷慨成仁 的机会，也许结果可能不同。于是千方百计在狱中软化他，使他屈服。但是有人却仍不屈服。...是更高境界的。多年的牢狱生活，那种牢，不是靠很强烈的激情 就能坐的，而是靠一种平静的从容态度。”

我以为在这句诗中，既然都横着刀笑了，该不会是微笑吧，总得是狂笑，要不至少也该 是冷笑呀。脑子 里面立刻呈现出的是那种末路英雄在狂风落叶金黄背景的衬托 下拿着兵刃对着敌人仰天狂笑的情景（当然如果考虑到他是在牢房里写的这首诗，这金黄色的属于大自然的背景就要大大的打折扣了）。现在先读李敖而后思量则好 像不是那样。首先那把横着的刀好像是侩子手横在他脖子里的（据李敖说，古代砍头是用手反握刀柄，横向脖子里的软骨推去，而不是电视里面常见的打高尔夫球式 的砍法。），不是他自己横的。在砍头的一霎那，冷静从容的笑的确要比仰天长笑来得让旁观者放心。死不可怕，可怕的是死时的那股怨气；如果死得心平气和，就 可以放心他不会变厉鬼来缠人。只不过李敖接着又写：

“谭嗣同这首诗的第三句‘我自横刀向天笑’写得太好了、太好了，尤其好在这一‘笑’字 上。这一‘笑’字，写尽了他的从容态度，但笑是一种激情也有点慷慨的 成分。所以，谭嗣同之死，既有‘慷慨成仁’之易、又有‘从容就义’之难，难易双修，真是诗如其人、人如其诗，视死如归，从容殉道。”

Another quote that struck me:

“儒家是‘老吾老以及人之老’，但佛门却是‘舍吾老以及人之老’，有大感情的人事是不在意小感情的。”

这是说谭嗣同在可以不死的情况下坚决要死，为了殉道而不惜将结婚三年的妻子撒手撇下。看来那些为了道义而牺牲个人利益和别人利益的人尊崇的是佛教了？不止吧？各位看官请自由发言，助小妹打破此疑团。（拱手）

1st quote has nothing to do with the rest

"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit by a canal and drink beer all day."

"Life is filled with people and their hundred different faces; but you can only be one type of person. Not only must you choose to be one type of person, you must at the same time refuse to be many other types, even though amongst those types there are abundant interesting and attractive traits. I can't be a martyr and be long-living at the same time; can't be a revolutionist and a hermit at the same time; can't be a fairy and a cow-head-horse-face at the same time [JY: I don't really get this one]; can't sacrifice myself to the country and to my wife at the same time...

I'm facing two aspects: the first is to choose what to do, and the second is to refuse what not to do. After this, I need to go one step further: to look forward with hope and vision for what I've chosen to do, and to cut out back-thinking and pondering for what I've refused to do. If you admit that you must make choices in life and that life is short, then you'll learn to admit that you shan't use up more life to show regret and perplexity for those that have fallen short of your chosen way of life. Life is so short that the whole of it isn't enough to deal with the chosen way or to be the one chosen type of person. If you want to cut out a part of life for other considerations - regardless of them being in the past, present or future, you are wasting life and it'll affect the role you've chosen to play."

-- Li Ao, "Beijing Fayuan Temple"

I'm one who's deeply and sentimentally impressed by TV dramas. I know this may sound strange for a person who has watched around 5 min of TV each week for these few months. Dramas perfect the stereotype of people. Good and bad qualities are magnified. It's because they're magnified that they can't be compressed onto one person. It's like each...er.. pokemon(?) has his special power. Viewers will say, "Oh I really like this one! And this one too!" and feel like cleaning out the store. But you can't buy special powers, let alone character traits with money, so often get troubled with the multiple roles that can be played in life. That's how a dramatic personality develops.

What follows dramatic hyper-activity is a feeling of emptiness. The actors and audience have all left. The stage is empty with yourself now. And you aren't even a real actor. And guilt. Dramas in real life are either contrived or, if inevitabe, are upheavals and those who've been through them would find it better to do without them, to avoid making out a clown instead of a queen or the emotional spams that reduce functionality and productivity. Or to avoid being selfish. Who'd want to force an audience? You can't even cheat or coax anyone to watch you cuz that's the ultimate difference between the stage of life and the stage in the Esplanade.

But still, addiction for drama is real.

读法源寺有所感悟

“...一般佛教徒理解佛经，全理解错了。佛门精神是先把自己变成虚妄，虚妄过后，一无可恋、一无可惜，然后再回过头来，把妄成真，这才是正解。从出世以 后，再回到入世，就是从‘看破红尘’以后，再回到红尘，这时候，这种境界的人，真所谓目中有身、心中无身。他努力救世，可是不在乎得失，他的进退疾徐，从 容无比，这就是真的佛、真的菩萨。”

-- 李敖《北京法源寺》

这段话是谭嗣同跟梁启超辩论佛法的真正意义时说的。那时候 中国内忧外患，想要有所作为的知识分子用积极的态度解释宗教，是可以理解的。但一开始我觉得，如 果不计较得失地救世就成了佛的话，像谭嗣同、梁启超这些热血沸腾、肯为理想拼搏的青年对物质和思想的奉献都不吝惜，他们难道都成了佛了？那也不对啊。还没 经过出世这个步骤呢。后来我又想了想，觉得用这样的解释是比较合适的：年纪轻的时候比较容易不计得失，因为有大把的时间可以输得起。到了中年时期，生活方 式复杂化，所做的每件事利害关系盘根错节、牵扯不清。如果那个时候可以“看破红尘”，摒弃一切对私利的顾虑，那就算出了世了。然后再积极但“潇洒”地“回向”济世，那才算成佛。

这 种佛教的解释感觉上跟RZ的那种相去不远，属于积极入世的那种，而不是入定打坐的那种，而且普通人也可以做一下佛爷爷。现在身处太平盛世，一定要找个世 来济一济、找群人来救一救也不是不可能，而且要是放眼全世界需要救济的群体多得很；但是要具体找一些事情做时比起当时就缺乏一种国将坡、家将忘的急迫感。 知识分子如果一定要 complain 国家治理得不够好，就不妨采取上述积极型佛教的态度，每天做一些小小的好事也可以怡然自得。热心的仍可以热心，但该淡薄的如私心就最好淡薄。除此之外其他 态度都不能避免矫揉造作、无病呻吟之嫌。