Strategise! II
I didn't know that I would want to come back here and write. The increase in wisdom, or whatever we claim such a phenomenon to be, doesn't decrease the need to write. It rather does the opposite. It's the digestion of "finer foods" now.
On 20th Oct 2005, I wrote "Strategise!". On re-reading, I'm much alarmed that, while the nature of problems have changed, the Types and Responses Needed HAVE NOT. The problems have become more non-trivial, exert greater importance on my life, and therefore each Type has now actual, clearly expressable examples that don't go away with time (for a long time to come). I'm not sure if recording those examples is going to make matters worse, but I'll do that:
1, 2. Type N, M: Warped logic wrt world and self, which are becoming one.
- Want financial security to the point of absurdness. Want 面子. Double standards for women vs men.
- Conservative. Makes hurtful moral judgements.
- Pessimistic. Feels abandoned by everyone and no reason to live.
- Unaware of "bigger truths" eg spiritual
3. Type V: Self-pity, self-victimization.
Except for occasional "too pitiful to bear" feelings this is now considered a safe mode. However such feelings pose real dangers to being emotionally manipulated.
4. Type W: False accusations.
- This can be now more precisely rephrased as intentionally hurtful verbal aggression.
- Usually consists of statements with strong emotional undercurrents (but never direct)
- Choice of words that convey direct hurtful sarcasm (当我放屁。／妈一切都不好。／我哪有权利反对。／你有美国妈，只当不要我这个妈好了。）
5. Type S: Secondary meanings.
- A trait is the attempt to "teach a response", which sounds completely logical to herself, backing her claim that her (illogical) statements were based on completely rational motives.
- This is only dangerous as a possibility for emotional manipulation. However, the danger IS real (see below).
6. Type R: Nag
This is generally a safe mode unless it's a repetition of warped logic wrt self.
Since I'm a PhD (candidate) and prone to doing thinking, logic and analysis, I'm going to re-interpret this old literature and come up with more succinct insight. Problems with mum could be summarized as:
(A) Mum warped logic, hurtful expressions -> me offended -> angry/violent
(B) Mum pacifies w warped logic -> me fooled into complacency -> emotionally manipulated, bewildered and angry the next time
(A) can be dealt with staying calm, not getting on the defensive, muting speakers, saying something sweet/comforting. If can't, it's ok. It's not about winning a conversation. Remember, you are not trying to change mum.
(B) is more difficult, and essentially needs emotional distancing. Give up all attempts to communicate with mum. Give up all trust in her. Never take her seriously. "Strategise!" said as much.
While you have (comparatively easily) intellectually matured enough to ignore warped logic, you need to be emotionally matured enough to not be angered, or swayed by her pitiful pacification. Overall, you need to become spiritually matured to love but not trust, to have confidence in self but not disgust for her, to pity when she's unhappy but not empathize, to not empathize but do care, to be caring but not emotional, to be non-emotional but not hating...
Lastly, to mature, you need to realize that:
It's ok to have a special mum.
It's ok not being a perfect daughter.
It's ok not to have a mum.
Some of us just aren't blessed that way.
It's time to let go.
On 20th Oct 2005, I wrote "Strategise!". On re-reading, I'm much alarmed that, while the nature of problems have changed, the Types and Responses Needed HAVE NOT. The problems have become more non-trivial, exert greater importance on my life, and therefore each Type has now actual, clearly expressable examples that don't go away with time (for a long time to come). I'm not sure if recording those examples is going to make matters worse, but I'll do that:
1, 2. Type N, M: Warped logic wrt world and self, which are becoming one.
- Want financial security to the point of absurdness. Want 面子. Double standards for women vs men.
- Conservative. Makes hurtful moral judgements.
- Pessimistic. Feels abandoned by everyone and no reason to live.
- Unaware of "bigger truths" eg spiritual
3. Type V: Self-pity, self-victimization.
Except for occasional "too pitiful to bear" feelings this is now considered a safe mode. However such feelings pose real dangers to being emotionally manipulated.
4. Type W: False accusations.
- This can be now more precisely rephrased as intentionally hurtful verbal aggression.
- Usually consists of statements with strong emotional undercurrents (but never direct)
- Choice of words that convey direct hurtful sarcasm (当我放屁。／妈一切都不好。／我哪有权利反对。／你有美国妈，只当不要我这个妈好了。）
5. Type S: Secondary meanings.
- A trait is the attempt to "teach a response", which sounds completely logical to herself, backing her claim that her (illogical) statements were based on completely rational motives.
- This is only dangerous as a possibility for emotional manipulation. However, the danger IS real (see below).
6. Type R: Nag
This is generally a safe mode unless it's a repetition of warped logic wrt self.
Since I'm a PhD (candidate) and prone to doing thinking, logic and analysis, I'm going to re-interpret this old literature and come up with more succinct insight. Problems with mum could be summarized as:
(A) Mum warped logic, hurtful expressions -> me offended -> angry/violent
(B) Mum pacifies w warped logic -> me fooled into complacency -> emotionally manipulated, bewildered and angry the next time
(A) can be dealt with staying calm, not getting on the defensive, muting speakers, saying something sweet/comforting. If can't, it's ok. It's not about winning a conversation. Remember, you are not trying to change mum.
(B) is more difficult, and essentially needs emotional distancing. Give up all attempts to communicate with mum. Give up all trust in her. Never take her seriously. "Strategise!" said as much.
While you have (comparatively easily) intellectually matured enough to ignore warped logic, you need to be emotionally matured enough to not be angered, or swayed by her pitiful pacification. Overall, you need to become spiritually matured to love but not trust, to have confidence in self but not disgust for her, to pity when she's unhappy but not empathize, to not empathize but do care, to be caring but not emotional, to be non-emotional but not hating...
Lastly, to mature, you need to realize that:
It's ok to have a special mum.
It's ok not being a perfect daughter.
It's ok not to have a mum.
Some of us just aren't blessed that way.
It's time to let go.
posted by Azzurra | 2:12 AM
|
0 comments
