Advice

Giving advice is not about being kind, but more about solving the problem or "preventing disaster". Good for people who are clear-sighted enough to foresee disasters. (I'm not one who foresees my own disasters.) However, kindness is a means to expedite the end of disaster-prevention. Otherwise, when human sensitivities get messed up the advisors get nowhere. Several situations between advisors and advised:

1. King and subordinate: It's well-known that the subordinate needs to speak carefully but not keep quiet entirely. If the king is wise, the subordinate can afford to be a little more direct. If the king takes advice to be personal attack on his own competency, then the subordinate might speak only stuff that sounds good. That's not being kind. The king doesn't need understanding or comfort (or isn't supposed to need). He doesn't discuss personal matters with his subordinate anyway. He just needs to feel that he's still the master.

2. Towards strangers: I told RZ yesterday that I'd give advice to a friend in a discussive fashion as though I were the salesgirl in a departmental store presenting clothes to a customer. Do all I can to make her understand but not impose on her (or "push my agenda", as what SJ said). Does it sound as though I'm treating a friend like a stranger? That it only works if the business of my friend is none of mine? I don't think so. There's a parallel between kindness towards a friend and politeness towards strangers. Doesn't Singapore's Courtesy Campaign involve being kind? In any case, being unassuming and polite to a stranger enables him to willingly do things for you (such as moving aside) and not feel like he's done something wrong and should get defensive (of course you can't rule out the guys to whom no amount of politeness on your part would work). Which works in the same way as when a friend receives advice.

3. Within a family: Where we feel the most comfortable. So we speak our mind. If we offend, we quarrel and forget. (Though I should say that's what I deduce about what a family is like. It works differently for my family. For my mum in any case. In some particular moods of hers.)

4. Between friends: Friends start from strangers. So people who keep boundaries are less likely to make friends who are able to let them tui1 xin1 zhi4 fu4. The opposite that could happen to sensitive people is that when she thought she could tui1 xin1 zhi4 fu4 she finds the effort of the other party half-hearted or over-zealous. What she needs is some talking and be listened to, that's why she'd appreciate body language, gestures and facial expression of attentiveness and kindness. But the need to be listened to sounds kinda selfish, since she makes the other person entirely passive. So she says, "I need advice." But effective advice is hard to take. She feels hurt and judged and gets defensive, but doesn't know who to confront or blame.

How frustrating. Like what the Chinese call "knots in the intestine". There are all those other things that you could be doing or talking to have fun in a friendship. I guess that's why I never got comfortable with discussing personal problems with friends. M&M were fine, but it was only because of the rather explicit and straightforward nature of my problem then. And I suspect I never verbalised real sentiments anyway. More like an American who exclaims "Man! What a disaster!" and laughs at that.