Now and Then

Me: "YF's going to his grandma's house today."
Mum: "Oh. You see they really do it dutifully here."
Me: "Once a month."
Mum: "Once a month..."
After a while.
Mum: "You see other people visit their grandma routinely. Do you ever think of yours?"
Me: "Er yeah, sometimes."
Mum: "You've always written letters only when we told you to."
Me: "I'd have remembered more about my past if we visited more often when I was little."
Mum: "What are you talking about? I brought you to visit on every weekend."
Me: "(Not *every* weekend.) I mean in Singapore. We should have gone back more often. When I was little. I'd have remembered more."
Mum: "You could still write and call."
Me: "No, going back is different. We didn't go back for 6 years. (Trying to be the 1st gen or something?)"
Mum: "Why didn't we go back? You have just started school and I didn't want to disrupt your studies. If you'd gone back at every vacation... humph."
Me: "I wouldn't have found that such a pity. I don't remember anything that I'd done during my school vacations. I didn't do anything except staying at home. (We hadn't even gone out around Singapore.)"
Mum: "!!"

The Hours

"To look life in the face, always, to look life in the face and to know it for what it is. At last to know it, to love it for what it is, and then, to put it away."

Really, I couldn't tell that was Nicole Kidman, except now as I recall some moments when she was shown looking down with the witch-like twinkle in her eyes and a smile around the corner of her mouth. That must be the reason - that she didn't smile enough. Or the hair. It seems I'm not that good yet at recognizing foreingers - caucasians.

And not to have put it together - Virginia! Mrs Woolf! London! Drowning! It must be the Chinese subtitles.

So it's about three women who have lesbian tendencies and having to deal with suicide as a result of that (probably). One did commit suicide. One took the alternative of walking out on her family. The last one is somehow special. She doesn't really have a family. She's open with and lived up to her being lesbian. And (therefore) she's not... suicidal? Except for a brief moment of "unravelling" amidst stress of preparing for the party. In fact she's the one who's tethering up the suicidal friend - his "family". I'm glad it ended on the third woman (not exactly, but chronologically it did). Not because she faced a suicide in her life. But because she's in control and she has a daughter. Who's apparently happy.

The score is brilliant.

Yeah I guess I don't agree that life should be put away. To live for others? It does seem so a lot of the times. And necessary too. But the moments when you live for yourself and for life itself make up for it.

《一封神气的情书》 李敖

亲爱的XX：

你先不要神气！

你收到这封信，小心眼里一定想：“从十六岁以来，平均每个礼拜都要接到一封信，路军海军空军联勤，教员学生科长和隔壁的小太保，各色各样的男人都给我写过信，由文言、有白话、有工楷、有血书，我真看得腻了，今天这封信又是谁写的呀？”

我再说一遍，你先不要神气！

谁 写的？猜猜看，猜呀猜的，你一定才不到，我是一个素昧平生的人，生在一个扑朔迷离的地方，读过几册捕风捉影的书，写过几篇强词夺理的文章。你见过我，可 是我断言我的尊容不会留给你任何印象，我是一个丑八怪，五官七窍皆自由发展，丝毫没有配合的企图，他们说我想那“钟楼怪人”，可是钟楼怪人我也不能比，因 为他面貌虽丑，人却忠厚痴情，他不会对女人发脾气，他永远为他效忠、为她拿大顶、为她丢石头打别的男人。

可是我呢？我不知道我是一个什么样的人，我只听到那些女侨生们用广东话骂我“咸湿佬”，听说那就是国语里边“大情棍”的意思。

其 实这真是冤枉我，不错，我乱写情书，如她们所说，我是一个“情书满天飞，人人都想追”的人，平心而论，我为什么会这样？还不是因为我压根儿就没追上过一 个女人，我写的信平均十封中至少有五封被火葬，四封被退回，另外一封给贴到公告栏去了，我苦命如此，不灰心不自卑就算是好的了，你还能怪我信写得多吗？

话 说开来，我何尝愿意写什么劳什子的情书？情书真是费力不讨好的玩意儿，现在不是阿拉伯德与爱绿依丝的年头了，也不是萧伯纳“纸上罗曼司”的时代了，并且 谁也不愿意将那些海誓山盟的情话写在纸上，把柄留在别人手里，一朝有了三心二意总是不方便。并且现在的女孩子哪有闲工夫去写信，写信会耽误舞会、耽误去教 堂、耽误看“乱点鸳鸯谱”。一些乖巧的男孩子早就看到这一点，所以他们都纷纷跑到女生宿舍，直接约会去了，这多干脆！多利落！多有男子气！

可是对我来说，不写情书你叫我怎么办？我怕鬼，可是不信神，教堂没我的份儿；我四肢齐全，可是笨手笨脚，跳起舞来像一只喝醉的猩猩，舞会说什么也不能再 去。我的脸皮随厚，可是太难看了，我的背影还不坏，但我不能总是背着脸去找女孩子，先叫她欣赏我的背影，我总要转过脸来才行，但是，老天爷呀！我是“不堪 回首”的呀！

看了我家的妹妹和弟弟，你一定以为我必然是个美男子，我家的妹妹个个都是中国小姐的候选人，弟弟也有“中国的约翰克尔”的外号。小姐们也未尝不帮我的忙， 可是当她们的同学一见到我的庐山真面目的时候，她们都要倒抽一口冷气！这是我赶忙把我的背影转给她们看，可是，太迟了，我竟先看到她们的背影！最可恨的 是，在她们的背影后面跟着的就是“中国的约翰克尔”，每次他都是以逸待劳，我掏腰包，他却享成果！

我不能很上帝，因为上帝找他自己的模样造人，他绝不会造个这么丑的化身；我也不能恨老子和老太，因为那样人家就会说我不孝顺；于是我只好恨我家的小姐和小 少爷，我恨他们的缺点都集中在一起长到我头上来了，可是我恨又有什么用？最后小姐们摊牌了：“老哥，请别怪我们不再帮你的忙，请不要在请客、在贿赂了，上 帝保佑你，你自己想法子吧！”

于是我一赌气，决定自己想法子。大丈夫、奇男子，为了找个女人，好要求别人帮忙，这能算是好汉吗？于是，我穿上外衣，开始在雨中漫步，吸引女人。可是我跑 了一个下午，一个女孩子也没吸引到，反倒在新生南路三段的转角地方，吸引了一条癞皮狗。它不声不响地，贼头贼脑跟在我后边，夫子步亦步、夫子趋亦趋，不知 是“仰之弥高”呢，还是“狗眼看人低”，总之，它鬼鬼祟祟的，非常讨厌，令人油然而生后顾之忧。最后我忍无可忍了，只好折腰一次，抓起石头，这下子它识相 了，掉转狗头夹尾落荒而走，伴同数声狂吠，表示它所追随的夫子不过乃尔！我这时还站在街心，却满面杀气，手里还紧抓着石头，正在庆祝全面性胜利，忽然想到 那酷好石头战术的“钟楼怪人”，于是赶忙把石头丢了，糟糕的是，有太晚了，终于被一个女孩子看到了，她笑了一下，笑得很美、很甜、很“看我没有起”，我尴 尬极了，心想这么一场斯文扫地的战斗，竟被这么一个动人的小丫头看到了，这不太难为情了吗？于是我又恨了，我恨那只混账的赖狗，我真恨不得剥它的皮、吃它 的香肉，何况自政府禁止以来，我很久没吃狗肉了，不吃狗肉身上就不发热，身上不发热就没有热情，没有热情还能谈情说爱我为卿狂吗？

望着那只远走高飞的畜生,我禁不住淌了口水，不过话又得说回来，我即使吃到狗肉也是没用的，我这么丑，脾气又这么暴躁，这两点都是交女朋友的致命伤。

我知道我脾气不太好，现在的女孩子都喜欢脾气柔和的男人，她们喜欢男人向她们低三下四摇尾乞怜，喜欢他们再接再厉尾随不舍。换句话说，她们喜欢有点奴才味儿的男人，这种男人会伺候、会体贴、会受气、会一跪三小时，他不怕风雨、不怕等待、不怕女生宿舍的传达、不怕女孩子的“不”字、不怕碰任何号码的钉子！

就是这种奴才性格的男人，他们追走了每一个我要追的女孩子，也追走了唯一一个差点被我追上的大美人。

一提到那个大美人，我就忍不住先要心酸酸，她真是可爱，与“钟楼怪人”里面的艾斯米拉达是一模一样的。一个偶然的机会，她发现我颇有才华，于是她接受了我的背影，在哥德所说的恋爱时节，我们开始做着我们所能做的事。

对于我，这当然是个突如其来的幸福，但是很快的，突如其来的速度被突如其“去”赶上了，她无表情地丢下了我 -- 象我丢下那块打狗的石头。

于是，每当我看到或听说她跟一个奴才男人在一起，我就忍不住有一种鲜花牛粪的感觉、一种不共戴天的义愤，我就要抓耳挠腮、要拍桌子敲板凳、要诅咒“他妈的”。

我厌恶她跟别的男人在一块儿，不是嫉妒，嫉妒表示我不如他，其实我怎么会不如他？他，臭小子，有什么资格跟我比？我连比都不要跟他比！嫉妒，他哪配我嫉妒？他唯一的资格就是被我憎恨，我恨他狗运当头，我惊异女孩子的短视，我惋惜我这么可爱，可是她却有眼无珠不来爱我，爱神呀！月老呀！你们是吃什么的？你们只帮助女孩子爱市侩，却不鼓励女孩子爱诗人，人生至此，天道宁论，我真疲倦了！我真活得疲倦了！

但是我怎能轻易就死？我那次过生日，她不是祝我“寿比南山”吗？我死很容易，半杯开水，一瓶安眠药，心一横，脚一跺，吃下去了，然后两腿一伸，两眼一瞪，一口气不来，呜呼哀哉了！可是我死不要紧，留下她怎么办呢？我走了，她该多难过呢？记得那一次我们在碧潭，划了一阵船，我肚里鬼叫了，我提议立刻去西门町，看电影、下馆子，她却兴犹未尽，还想划船。劝她不走，我火了：“还要划，还要划，臭水池子，有什么好划的？你这小丫头怎么这样任性？”“任性？你说谁？你还好意思说我任性？你是个大独裁者，离不开女人又要在女人面前摆臭架子，你说看电影就看电影、你说下馆子就下馆子，你不肯跟人家商量商量，你不给人家自由！”她气势汹汹，我更气了，我吼道：“谁不给你自由？我说看电影，选片子的自由是你的；我说下馆子，点菜的自由是你的，你有这么多的自由还不够吗？你居然还说我不民主！吓！你们女人！你们女人！”“什么女人女人的！你看不惯，你就请便吧！别以为没有你天下男人就不上门来了，你，臭文人、大独裁、丑八怪，有什么稀罕？你走吧！”

真的我走了，我气冲冲地走了，头也不回地走了，我发誓再也不找她。我走回来，躺在床上，哼呀哼的，翻来覆去只是她的幻影。三天过去了，我瘦了，我感到头昏脚软、四肢无力、腰酸背疼，于是我决定再找她一次，我要看看她是不是也瘦了。其实，哪里的话，她才不会瘦呢，我不必说我看到了什么。总之，那是个要命的镜头，我不能使它消灭，我只好闭上我自己的眼睛。

我不要忏悔，忏悔又有什么用？反正她不再回来，与其炒陈饭，不如做硬汉，我还是做硬汉吧！我拿出枕头，把它晒干，对着枕头重新发誓，发誓要找一个“以平等待我”之女人，希望她能了解“淑德孔昭”的大道理，可是四年来，我一直没有找到。

我不从外表来论断一个女人的程度，如同我不喜欢女人这样论断我，女人是被看的，不是被了解的；而我呢，正好相反，我是被了解的，不是被看的。古人说“太上忘情，最下不及于情”，我是一个不健忘的太上，可是多情而不及于情。因此，我只好写了这封泛滥的情书，来试探你是不是一个女孩子中的例外，如果答案是肯定的，那我就要说：“爱我吧！可是不要神气！”如果答案是否定的，那我就要说：“吓！连我都不爱吗？你神气什么呀！”

Not really an RZ-styled blog

YF'd say er you are still thinking about it? come on. I'd say just like to try out an RZ-styled blog for fun.

On Tuesday, something terrible happened during lunch. What, pray, may that be?

It's the age-old story of cutting queues.

When RZ and I joined the queue which, as it always does at that hour, extended to the door of the canteen. As the line shortened and food finally came into sight, a student-like guy with ruffed up hair and t-shirt that hung below his hip loomed into view beside me.

I threw him a glance and knew there was something sparkly in the air. I didn't give way and he remained beside me. So he said, "This position is mine."

So me being me who's trained to follow instructions, stepped back without thinking, muttering a "really?" under my breath. The guy carried on a discussion with the girl standing in front of me, also student-like and, from the look of it, in the same lunch-planning team.The next thing I did was to turn back to RZ and confirm if that were true: "Did you see that guy in front of us just now?" RZ replied with her usual nonchalance, "He cut queue ba."

The episode would have ended there and then. I found the support/proof I needed to show that I haven't wronged anyone and my memory wasn't failing just yet. RZ didn't care. But of course like all stories with good plots the climax is never at where it appears to be. The guy turned back and said, without address or acknowledgement that there's an issue, "I was in front checking out the food. This was my position."

I replied, "Oh I see. Well we really didn't see you just now. I'm sorry about that." I tried to add a measure of sarcasm, but I guess I'm not one for this kind of job, for it was totally lost on that guy, who said "It's ok."

By now the episode would have ended a second time since I count myself benevolent enough to take his final words as a reach of consensus instead of pure cheek + obtuseness (forgiveness granted for 2nd part since it's after all hard to pick up nuances and things implied. Singaporeans, as RZ says, are direct). Mais non. Here comes the final straw that entirely took away my appetite. The girl, who apparently has reached a decisive moment with the guy in the discussion of to-have's and not-to-have's for lunch, ventured to turn back and end this annoying interruption from a pesky female staff. She said quickly in Chinese without looking at me, "He's so big and you can't see him?"

Hmm one thing I didn't tell YF is that as they turned I couldn't help giving them the middle finger. There has to be something that makes up for meekness. Incorrect remedy I know. And hardly a remedy. Instead it was in the plain view of the whole canteen of staff though probably no one saw it. The consequences I can imagine only now. And I'm not ready for it. So why did I do it? A fight seems hardly justified for conflicts between men and women of sciences. Or budding men and women anyway. It'd be interesting to know what makes them seem so wicked at that time and what makes me feel like a child fighting a... an evil landlord.

Well well I see you still have a long way to go to be all justified and balanced within yourself.

Ok this is not really an RZ-styled blog.

Random occurrences in life that contribute to hilarity/sublimation/nobility/meaningful-ness in life

1.
3/3: Visited Yangmingshan in Taiwan and saw its live volcano shrouded in steam and pungent smell of rotten eggs.
6/3: Came back to JI and found it suffered a sulfurous gas leak. A part of the highway smelt just like the volcano. It felt like deja vu.

2.
23-24/2: Company induction program.
6/3: one of the participants in above program sends letter of farewell - leaving the company right after induction?...

3.
Mrs C, elderly scholarship officer, is inviting female scholars to lunch and girly talk at her home. Last met Mrs C at Christmas Party in BP. She claimed herself to be the "mother hen" who looks after "all of you, you know." Which instantly reminded me of Matron "Mama" Morton ("Ask any of the chickies in the pen, they'll tell you I'm the biggest mother... hen.")

3.
The English title for “亲切的金子” is "Sympathy for Lady Vengance". Sounds strange? Now I know why - the director has done a movie called "Sympathy for Mr Vengance" before. And I have that movie. And I hear the voice of SY - "That movie is good". So I copied it from his collection (together with "Old Boy", which was by the same director), in his last moments, amidst frantic packing, in a Cornell mixed up with inky darkness and glowing snow at night.

It still takes courage to face the Korean Sentiment.