More lunchtable conversations

I don't even know how to start writing about this even though I feel like getting back to writing as a tool (for what?) these days. At lunch Stefan, the balding, seasoned German postdoc in our group, remonstrated about the fact that Quan, a former PhD candidate, psychologically manipulated him during her thesis-writing days, so that he could actually write large parts of the thesis for her. Quan was in and out and then in again of PhD, twice pregnant in the course, which presumeably morphed her into the "countryside-auntie"-like woman I first saw when I joined the group - with hunched back, heavily-stained teeth, wild bristly hair and a manner of the Chinese when she wants to go over, aside, under or any way around something. She could have, without the disturbance of conscience, pleaded and begged, coaxed and flattered, or psychologically manipulated - as Stefan had claimed with such outrage - by saying stuff such as "You are really smart and nice. You know I can't do it. I just can't do it. Why don't you do it for me?" Stefan did and here he is, complaining.

If I were to put myself in the role of a smart kid being pestered by a friend to help finish his homework, I'd feel as annoyed as Stefan has done (and could perhaps equally not be able to refuse). I can even put into words now that cultivating the "getting-easy" feeling between acquaintances doesn't translate into allowing one to take advantage of the other. Annoying annoying annoying.

But something didn't feel right, especially as Stefan went onto how Quan used to make ridiculous proclamations that the Chinese invented everything and that the Germans brutally invaded and colonized China. "I looked up the internet, and there was just this tiiiiiiiiiny spot amidst the massive China that Germany occupied.. for like 14 years." "And the list goes on and on about all these ridiculous(ly trivial) things that the Chinese has invented. You know Gutenberg who made the working printing press system.. Some Chinese scholar went digging really deep to make the claim 'oh it's really us!' Then an American scholar dug deeper and found it was someone else.."

Witnessing squabbles between Stefan and Quan in those first chaotic days in lab slightly bordered on fun; I was more under the impression that Quan was like a little girl knowingly and laughingly trying to be mean. If Stefan had been more offended than playing along for his and other's amusement, it could very well have been aggravated by the manipulation later on. He took some form of lunchtable revenge this time round, I suppose, as he made Quan and the Chinese into complete irrational, unenlightened, pride-based morons that don't do their historical-facts homework before laying out their feel-good fest. I wonder if I'm falling into that lot as I sat there, weakly trying to propose a few things that the Chinese were great in but faltering in lack of factual assurance in front of the ever condescending Stefan, who happens to be intricately versed in history, music, human nature and culture, as much as physics, a stature that ought to command an enormous deal of respect, but was just making me wanting to wring his sagging, sun-burnt neck.

There are numerous times when I squabble with ZK over my identity of being a Chinese. I inevitably play the devil's advocate in denouncing the image of overseas Chinese. It's ironic how the advocate faces the devil himself now.

Some thoughts

I was sitting with a bunch of people at lunch. A discussion went on about what new project Sondra should do next. I was once again overcome by how little I know and how little I'm interested in all of that. I do understand now how people can afford to be cynical - by going through intense studying, gaining insights and completing publishable work, which is a process I haven't been through. Thinking about what I do, what others do, why things are the way they are - just questioning and thinking - is something I'm so not accustomed to do. Perhaps cynicism isn't everything and the fact that I trust so much is not a sin. Perhaps it's even totally to do with cultural differences. It still doesn't change the fact that there're enormous amounts of work I need to do, for example read an article in its completion or come up with something sensible for January's group meeting talk.