Joining You
Dear Darlin,
With other more important things at hand, such as research and having ideas and final presentations, and LA and spending time with Keke, how could anything mum-related be allowed to set up turmoils half way across the world? Is listen to Alanis Morissette or shouting on the balcony enough to help you sleep tonight?
Anything nice Keke says or does now is amplified in niceness, and anything indifferent is amplified in malice and illwill. You could be angry at the rightful object, ie mum, and not at anybody else.
Here goes:
1. You are no longer afraid you will be "scolded". Her words of "scoldings" are meaning less and less to you. As you imagine a "reprimand", it is not out of rebelliousness or frustration at the lack of logic/intellect that you turn your back on those words. Nothing to do with strong feelings. It's out of sheer indifference. They're criticisms from a stranger. Which leads to -
2. No matter what social norms or your inner conscience says (in fact at this moment, you are actually pretty sure your innermost conscience says quite the opposite. Says what you're going to say now), it's alright to treat your mum as a total stranger. As a disagreeable stranger. Be cruel to her. Ignore her bitter words of self-abuse. The more she says them, the more ridiculous she gets. It's about time she realizes that nobody will take her seriously if she doesn't stop ruining people's lives.
3. Feel no guilt. Be completely indifferent. Mum's a fool at heart and she's choosing to stay this way for the rest of her life.
You've done this before - mum and blog and mum and blog. All those adjustments and equilibriation, but they were amidst waiting for going to USA, a time when you know freedom will start again. Now you need to think about this seriously. You are not done with mum for easily another 20-30 years of your life. That'd be your entire life. Would you want to (i) adjust to mum; (ii) escape from mum; (iii) quarrel, ignore and be enemies for life? Or (iv) by some miraculous intervention, resolve some problems and live (in not too significantly close proximity) in reasonable harmony?
Now I'm in between (ii) and (iii). What I've concluded above puts me closer to (iii) without remorse. It's like approximations people use to do QM calculations on molecular systems. You've got to start somewhere. It costs you some, but you can't go on otherwise.
More solid plans - considering this specific scenario:
Call mum next weekend. Sound benevolent. If she kicks up a fuss again, tell her I'll have no nonsense from her, especially stuff like "you'd better leave me dead", or I really will stop calling.
That sounds really scary. Will I really do that? Will mum do away with herself? Will she shape up instead? Questions, perhaps, that I should leave to CAPS.
So long, my second "stop thinking.doc". I should really write for an audience other than myself. Later perhaps.
With other more important things at hand, such as research and having ideas and final presentations, and LA and spending time with Keke, how could anything mum-related be allowed to set up turmoils half way across the world? Is listen to Alanis Morissette or shouting on the balcony enough to help you sleep tonight?
Anything nice Keke says or does now is amplified in niceness, and anything indifferent is amplified in malice and illwill. You could be angry at the rightful object, ie mum, and not at anybody else.
Here goes:
1. You are no longer afraid you will be "scolded". Her words of "scoldings" are meaning less and less to you. As you imagine a "reprimand", it is not out of rebelliousness or frustration at the lack of logic/intellect that you turn your back on those words. Nothing to do with strong feelings. It's out of sheer indifference. They're criticisms from a stranger. Which leads to -
2. No matter what social norms or your inner conscience says (in fact at this moment, you are actually pretty sure your innermost conscience says quite the opposite. Says what you're going to say now), it's alright to treat your mum as a total stranger. As a disagreeable stranger. Be cruel to her. Ignore her bitter words of self-abuse. The more she says them, the more ridiculous she gets. It's about time she realizes that nobody will take her seriously if she doesn't stop ruining people's lives.
3. Feel no guilt. Be completely indifferent. Mum's a fool at heart and she's choosing to stay this way for the rest of her life.
You've done this before - mum and blog and mum and blog. All those adjustments and equilibriation, but they were amidst waiting for going to USA, a time when you know freedom will start again. Now you need to think about this seriously. You are not done with mum for easily another 20-30 years of your life. That'd be your entire life. Would you want to (i) adjust to mum; (ii) escape from mum; (iii) quarrel, ignore and be enemies for life? Or (iv) by some miraculous intervention, resolve some problems and live (in not too significantly close proximity) in reasonable harmony?
Now I'm in between (ii) and (iii). What I've concluded above puts me closer to (iii) without remorse. It's like approximations people use to do QM calculations on molecular systems. You've got to start somewhere. It costs you some, but you can't go on otherwise.
More solid plans - considering this specific scenario:
Call mum next weekend. Sound benevolent. If she kicks up a fuss again, tell her I'll have no nonsense from her, especially stuff like "you'd better leave me dead", or I really will stop calling.
That sounds really scary. Will I really do that? Will mum do away with herself? Will she shape up instead? Questions, perhaps, that I should leave to CAPS.
So long, my second "stop thinking.doc". I should really write for an audience other than myself. Later perhaps.
posted by Azzurra | 11:24 PM
1 Comments:
That didn't work. You were depressed through your LA trip. Keke was an angel but you felt like submerged in ice. Things were strangely quiet around you and you weren't there. You were amidst but not in. That strange float-walking. It's no good. You need to find a new way other than total hatred to deal with mum.
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