Escape

One day in life you are going to realise that you can't choose with confidence what's to be done in the near future to render your life meaning. You don't even have instructions telling you what needs to be done (you could use imaginary guidance at this point but imaginary guidance is only good for reinforcing the good feeling of already having purpose and meaning, not for covering up). Or worse - you can't even do the list of stuff with clear instructions and established procedures in your pocket. At that moment, it's a matter of will power, to deceive yourself or otherwise, to have faith in the cause of your own actions, to believe that by doing so and so, you are one step closer to increasing the amount of "goodness" among mankind. If you believe, you are being strong and persevering, braving through the little bumps until the sun shines on your doorstep. If you don't believe, you call "trying and failing many times" a day, turn to get away from all these, allowing the unsuccessful to remain unsuccessful and spill over to the next day, the next next day..., leading a Fight Club type of existence.

I'm rather in the second type of mode right now. Eating an apple is my escape right now. Singing, and eventually ZK, would be later. But escapes are brief. A dinner is brief. A weekend is brief. Holidays are briefer and more undefined than ever. Such is graduate school life in my group in the University of Cloudless Glare and Artificial Greenery.

Perhaps there's faith out there without the need for willpower. Will I get there?