Old Ground Re-Visit
Went to NUS science library yesterday after work. Msged both W and D for dinner together but they were busy and didn't reply till a good while later, when I was already in the heart of the science canteen. It was renamed the "Frontier", which is as unappetizing as the name of a canteen can sound. D was at the arts canteen; but for the rain I would have gone over. The arts canteen reputedly has better food. If I hadn't felt it much three year ago, when I hadn't a desire or taste of my own to assert, I received the proper education last night at the Frontier with my dinner of spicily bland laksa and a rock hard chicken wing.
Apart from the outdoor inconveniences of messy hair and slippery slippers, the sentimental esteem I hold for rainy nights does not decrease one little bit. Reading by a window in a rainy night is as charming as ever, even though it's the window of the library instead of a bedroom. The snugly feeling of safety and comfort. The scratching of pens on papers. The soft sound of rain falling outside. All in a state of such an allure that I began to feel sleepy in no time. Still there was good information learnt. But couldn't make copies because photocopying cards in the libraries could only be purchased with cashcards and I had none.
Contacts with NUS and the science library in the past had been a mixture of privilege and apprehension. The privilege is a common feeling for awe-struck junior college students who get to work on the university campus. The apprehension is for the incomprehensibility of research materials and for getting caught at going to the science library "just for fun". The fun of smelling the books and hiding between tall stacks. The fragrance and silence of safety and privacy.
What I need to do is to strive to increase moments of comfort and intimacy with objects in Singapore. That'll give me strength to believe that I'm capable, peaceful and cared for by friends. How different this would have sound if it's someone else's writing! I never thought I need to tell myself that. Thought even less how I could have sunken to this state, when I thought confidence is not something fleeting. Maybe it hadn't been true confidence then.
Apart from the outdoor inconveniences of messy hair and slippery slippers, the sentimental esteem I hold for rainy nights does not decrease one little bit. Reading by a window in a rainy night is as charming as ever, even though it's the window of the library instead of a bedroom. The snugly feeling of safety and comfort. The scratching of pens on papers. The soft sound of rain falling outside. All in a state of such an allure that I began to feel sleepy in no time. Still there was good information learnt. But couldn't make copies because photocopying cards in the libraries could only be purchased with cashcards and I had none.
Contacts with NUS and the science library in the past had been a mixture of privilege and apprehension. The privilege is a common feeling for awe-struck junior college students who get to work on the university campus. The apprehension is for the incomprehensibility of research materials and for getting caught at going to the science library "just for fun". The fun of smelling the books and hiding between tall stacks. The fragrance and silence of safety and privacy.
What I need to do is to strive to increase moments of comfort and intimacy with objects in Singapore. That'll give me strength to believe that I'm capable, peaceful and cared for by friends. How different this would have sound if it's someone else's writing! I never thought I need to tell myself that. Thought even less how I could have sunken to this state, when I thought confidence is not something fleeting. Maybe it hadn't been true confidence then.
posted by Azzurra | 11:17 AM
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