Family Counselling
RZ advised me to go for family counselling for I might be under emotional abuse. (I know of one by the name Feiyue which frequently goes on TV. It's just around CCK.) Abuse is mutual. Actually not really. In practise, I don't think I'm abusing anyone. Being harsh, yes, but not abusing mum - yes I do believe that.
Oh well it all started with my being sick and mum trying to find out reasons for it. She was against my meeting the kid on Saturday. In her opinion all those who approach me are gonna exploit my knowledge and help. "Who do you turn to when you need a friend?" she likes to say. In truth I actually don't turn to many people. But that's a different point. So I say we had fun talking. And she says that's why I'm sick all over again. Ok. Point taken. But can't help being invariably vexed with her finding reasons. Just feel as though she's finding fault. Sure. So falling sick is my own fault. I tried to tell her, my wish had been that she would kindly try not to emphasize this point while I'm already down in spirits. And she would say then, "why shouldn't I emphasize? Look at yourself. All sickly and what others are going to think of you?" Guess her anxieties arise from the possibility that my company's going to deduct my salary and write bad appraisals once they found out that I'm sick. Just like a whole bunch of other employees that is. Together with her opinion on friendship and such, call that distorted world view if there ever was one. Extraordinarily distorted at that. But that's not a new point already. Mum turns into a hedgehog in front of the world. That makes it as likely as the sun rising from the west for her to go counselling.
Sigh.... vexation doesn't give true cause for counselling. With the little strength I had last night after taking cough syrup, I experienced the first episode of what we may call family violence in my silent home. From the topic of my illness and my protestations of mum always blaming me for things arose the issue of my refusal to let her review my bankbook. I said it's perfectly normal for everyone to want privacy. She said what is it that I have to hide that I can't even show to my own mum. I said it's not about hiding. It's just that I don't want to show. She said it's not a big deal, to explain briefly the statements, about which items I spent to what purpose. I said that's precisely what I don't want to do. And not even because I'm spending for dubious causes, but it's energetically improbable for anyone to explain each expenditure. I think she's feels too deeply personally hurt to understand the logic of my arguments. And I rather kick myself for having made them despite having fever and knowing their futility. And she said finally, that I don't have to be so scared. And she's not going to spend my money even if I let her check her accounts. Oh well I really don't care about money. When mum gets paranoid of dad and I leaving her in the ditch after mistreating her, blinding her eyes, etc, that's true cause for frustration. Mum went to bed in tears. Amongst her wailing were things like "Only my old mother understands the situation, that I don't have pension ..." (sentiments about grandma and grandpa always accompany the delude of self-victimising remarks.), "who did I come to Singapore for" and "you make me this angry and blind my eyes - I'm not going to let you go. I'll chain myself to your feet." Alright. I told her there was no need to sound so poisonous. And that her anger was self-induced and I wasn't going to take back what I said. The medicine was taking effect and I felt really drowsy, and so went into my room to sleep. Mum wasn't quiet naturally and stormed into my room, shouting what I might venture to call "abusives". I really needed to sleep for I was rationally afraid of a fever which lasts for more than a week. So I tried closing the door on her, but she was too fast for me. And I did something that I had never imagined I would. I pushed her. Immediately regretted once I did that. Mum is like the kind of fighter who becomes stronger in the face of stronger adversaries. So there were some messy body contacts and still couldn't get her out of my room as she clung to the wall with surprising strength and stamina. How childish, and gosh! how uncannily reminiscent of SY! Except that if I were half as strong as SY I could get my mum out of my room gently and without much fuss. Instead I quit and went to sleep in her room. She followed and upset some furniture outside. Not wanting to create a gigantic clatter I went back to my own room, this time in time to lock the door. What mum did next was banging on the door with palms. That lasted for a couple of minutes until I got out, all shaking and crying, asking her what did she want me to do. Then the phone rang. It was RZ. Mum picked up the phone and said, "she's not in." And continued to shout when I got the other phone. Asked RZ wearily if she's got a bedspace. RZ replied, "I've got a sleeping bag." I said I'll talk to her tomorrow and hung up. And mum, who'd been listening (of course!) was furious - if she could be any more furious already - that I'm revealing family feud to outsiders. Oh well, so much so for counselling, if we aren't supposed to do that. Shouting went on for a while more until I begged her to stop and let me sleep. Told her she can check my bank account, do whatever. Just let me be. The truth is, I don't know where I kept my bank book. So I couldn't even take it to mum to prove the efficacy of my decision. Mum didn't buy that, thought that I was being sarcastic. I lost temper and shouted something like "won't you get out". She marched up to my bed and tried to slap me. I fended that one off and stood up glaring at her. And then went into the living room, collapsed on the floor crying something like "why do I have a mum like this." Then nobody spoke. Mum turned on the radio in the kitchen at top volume. I called RZ awhile and let her contemplate about family counselling. Then I went into the kitchen just as mum was turning off the radio. I said sincere "thanks". Mum backed off from me as if seeing a ghost. So she's been traumatized and wants to look wounded like a rabbit with eyes wide open. Too bad. She's way too old for that sentiment to be romantic in any way. I went to bed. Silencio.
Oh well it all started with my being sick and mum trying to find out reasons for it. She was against my meeting the kid on Saturday. In her opinion all those who approach me are gonna exploit my knowledge and help. "Who do you turn to when you need a friend?" she likes to say. In truth I actually don't turn to many people. But that's a different point. So I say we had fun talking. And she says that's why I'm sick all over again. Ok. Point taken. But can't help being invariably vexed with her finding reasons. Just feel as though she's finding fault. Sure. So falling sick is my own fault. I tried to tell her, my wish had been that she would kindly try not to emphasize this point while I'm already down in spirits. And she would say then, "why shouldn't I emphasize? Look at yourself. All sickly and what others are going to think of you?" Guess her anxieties arise from the possibility that my company's going to deduct my salary and write bad appraisals once they found out that I'm sick. Just like a whole bunch of other employees that is. Together with her opinion on friendship and such, call that distorted world view if there ever was one. Extraordinarily distorted at that. But that's not a new point already. Mum turns into a hedgehog in front of the world. That makes it as likely as the sun rising from the west for her to go counselling.
Sigh.... vexation doesn't give true cause for counselling. With the little strength I had last night after taking cough syrup, I experienced the first episode of what we may call family violence in my silent home. From the topic of my illness and my protestations of mum always blaming me for things arose the issue of my refusal to let her review my bankbook. I said it's perfectly normal for everyone to want privacy. She said what is it that I have to hide that I can't even show to my own mum. I said it's not about hiding. It's just that I don't want to show. She said it's not a big deal, to explain briefly the statements, about which items I spent to what purpose. I said that's precisely what I don't want to do. And not even because I'm spending for dubious causes, but it's energetically improbable for anyone to explain each expenditure. I think she's feels too deeply personally hurt to understand the logic of my arguments. And I rather kick myself for having made them despite having fever and knowing their futility. And she said finally, that I don't have to be so scared. And she's not going to spend my money even if I let her check her accounts. Oh well I really don't care about money. When mum gets paranoid of dad and I leaving her in the ditch after mistreating her, blinding her eyes, etc, that's true cause for frustration. Mum went to bed in tears. Amongst her wailing were things like "Only my old mother understands the situation, that I don't have pension ..." (sentiments about grandma and grandpa always accompany the delude of self-victimising remarks.), "who did I come to Singapore for" and "you make me this angry and blind my eyes - I'm not going to let you go. I'll chain myself to your feet." Alright. I told her there was no need to sound so poisonous. And that her anger was self-induced and I wasn't going to take back what I said. The medicine was taking effect and I felt really drowsy, and so went into my room to sleep. Mum wasn't quiet naturally and stormed into my room, shouting what I might venture to call "abusives". I really needed to sleep for I was rationally afraid of a fever which lasts for more than a week. So I tried closing the door on her, but she was too fast for me. And I did something that I had never imagined I would. I pushed her. Immediately regretted once I did that. Mum is like the kind of fighter who becomes stronger in the face of stronger adversaries. So there were some messy body contacts and still couldn't get her out of my room as she clung to the wall with surprising strength and stamina. How childish, and gosh! how uncannily reminiscent of SY! Except that if I were half as strong as SY I could get my mum out of my room gently and without much fuss. Instead I quit and went to sleep in her room. She followed and upset some furniture outside. Not wanting to create a gigantic clatter I went back to my own room, this time in time to lock the door. What mum did next was banging on the door with palms. That lasted for a couple of minutes until I got out, all shaking and crying, asking her what did she want me to do. Then the phone rang. It was RZ. Mum picked up the phone and said, "she's not in." And continued to shout when I got the other phone. Asked RZ wearily if she's got a bedspace. RZ replied, "I've got a sleeping bag." I said I'll talk to her tomorrow and hung up. And mum, who'd been listening (of course!) was furious - if she could be any more furious already - that I'm revealing family feud to outsiders. Oh well, so much so for counselling, if we aren't supposed to do that. Shouting went on for a while more until I begged her to stop and let me sleep. Told her she can check my bank account, do whatever. Just let me be. The truth is, I don't know where I kept my bank book. So I couldn't even take it to mum to prove the efficacy of my decision. Mum didn't buy that, thought that I was being sarcastic. I lost temper and shouted something like "won't you get out". She marched up to my bed and tried to slap me. I fended that one off and stood up glaring at her. And then went into the living room, collapsed on the floor crying something like "why do I have a mum like this." Then nobody spoke. Mum turned on the radio in the kitchen at top volume. I called RZ awhile and let her contemplate about family counselling. Then I went into the kitchen just as mum was turning off the radio. I said sincere "thanks". Mum backed off from me as if seeing a ghost. So she's been traumatized and wants to look wounded like a rabbit with eyes wide open. Too bad. She's way too old for that sentiment to be romantic in any way. I went to bed. Silencio.
posted by Azzurra | 10:03 AM
1 Comments:
Thanks dear ^^
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