Suffered injustice at a shortened erhu lesson last Saturday.
After battling throughout lunch the desire to stay with dad, who's back from HK for the festivities (not really. He left on the 9th), with that of sticking to plans of joining the Chinese orchestra at CCK CC, I finally left home under the usual sweltering heat, dodging mum's frowns at my not bringing an umbrella to shade the sun. Took far longer than expected to get to the CC, and found out there that the orchestra really practises in an "education centre" a couple of more minutes walk down the street. Got there, sat down to dutifully wait in the reception area. The centre was a little box of a place all on its own, composing of the reception, rehearsal room and some sort of meeting room. Was told that the conductor only arrives an hour later (and later found out the practise ends at 7 instead of 5, showing fallibility of the arts council website). Meanwhile talked to a couple of Sec 2 girls from BPSS, whose Chinese orchestra is conducted by the same conductor. They were going to join the orchestra too, and to my horror talked of the need for an audition. One of the two pieces required is the famous sai(4) ma(3) (horse-racing), which I've always had the impression of being extremely difficult, and so couldn't believe my eyes when I read "level 4" sneaking glimpses of the girls' scores. Three years ago I would be dumbfounded and defenceless with panic amidst a community of fashionable young Singaporeans previously acquainted within themselves. At that moment I was ok. After all going there was about the first original deed I performed in Singapore (ok, there was RZ and belly-dancing). After a few rounds of cramped and confused tries of the score, the conductor arrived. Talked to him. He exempted me from the audition by virtue of my plans to take the exam at the end of the year for level 6. It's been a while since I last talked to a Chinese teacher-like uncle in Singapore and I felt reassured. However my old way of response towards an elder or authority with full-fledged warmth and urgency to please has morphed into a more incoherent shyness with unwillingness to sound sycophantic. A series of nodding, smiling, stammering which increases sense of idiocy for self. And the conductor's inability to look at me in the eyes when he talked only increased my insecurity, reminding me not to be taken away by sense of familiarity - Chinese, tradition, goodwill and all that. As the rehearsal started he put me in Section 1. It made me cringe with the old dread of doing something I'm not good enough at. But the rehearsal was well, even though I was stumbling through due to infamiliarity of the scores.
Sneaked out at 4.30 during the break to go to erhu lesson. When found out by the conductor, promised to stay to the end the following week. Thought there was plenty of time but when I got off the MRT at Toa Payoh it was already 10 minutes to the start of the lesson. And missed two buses due to the inability to locate a traffic light to cross the road. Was frustrated more by lethargy due to body aching from intensive badminton playing two days ago. Got to instructor's home at 6.15 and missed the lesson by 1/2 hr. And was dumb enough to spent more time chatting with her about the orchestra (but I couldn't have done otherwise, so pleased was I to see her, as usual; and stuff like I was waived of the audition on account of my being her student just got cooked up effortlessly). When the next girl came, she let her wait as usual, but only for a short while before she closed my notebook with a clap and said, "ok." I knew it was a sign for me to go but I couldn't quite believe that's happening. With usual reticence though, I just stared for the minimal period of time and got up and went. Only had 25 min of lesson. Mum's concern with the fees is getting to me, and it seemed impossible to pick up the former lack of interest in money matters such as this and insistence instead on quality of time and stuff like that.
Tried a new route home via Serangoon MRT station just to spend off the time so parents would not suspect shortened lesson. Bought a litre of pasteurised honeydew-flavour milk en route and drank it all despite aweful taste and urgent need to go to bathroom. Walking in twilight was quite nice though - brought back memories - and would've enjoyed more if not for aching body. In retrospect no one can be blamed for my being late. Still, more than ever distressed by the link between artists and commercialisation/earning of dough. That link seems to be born out of necessity. Also can't exactly deny it's more worthwhile to spend on learning than on entertainment. Learning a musical instrument is still an endeavour whose meaning hasn't been taken out for me (heaven forbid!); learning in general has that cathartic, spitual sublimity that's worth a lot of pains; learning in the context of the research profession is dangerously close to the state of utter drain of energy and motivation, but I'm in denial of that.
After battling throughout lunch the desire to stay with dad, who's back from HK for the festivities (not really. He left on the 9th), with that of sticking to plans of joining the Chinese orchestra at CCK CC, I finally left home under the usual sweltering heat, dodging mum's frowns at my not bringing an umbrella to shade the sun. Took far longer than expected to get to the CC, and found out there that the orchestra really practises in an "education centre" a couple of more minutes walk down the street. Got there, sat down to dutifully wait in the reception area. The centre was a little box of a place all on its own, composing of the reception, rehearsal room and some sort of meeting room. Was told that the conductor only arrives an hour later (and later found out the practise ends at 7 instead of 5, showing fallibility of the arts council website). Meanwhile talked to a couple of Sec 2 girls from BPSS, whose Chinese orchestra is conducted by the same conductor. They were going to join the orchestra too, and to my horror talked of the need for an audition. One of the two pieces required is the famous sai(4) ma(3) (horse-racing), which I've always had the impression of being extremely difficult, and so couldn't believe my eyes when I read "level 4" sneaking glimpses of the girls' scores. Three years ago I would be dumbfounded and defenceless with panic amidst a community of fashionable young Singaporeans previously acquainted within themselves. At that moment I was ok. After all going there was about the first original deed I performed in Singapore (ok, there was RZ and belly-dancing). After a few rounds of cramped and confused tries of the score, the conductor arrived. Talked to him. He exempted me from the audition by virtue of my plans to take the exam at the end of the year for level 6. It's been a while since I last talked to a Chinese teacher-like uncle in Singapore and I felt reassured. However my old way of response towards an elder or authority with full-fledged warmth and urgency to please has morphed into a more incoherent shyness with unwillingness to sound sycophantic. A series of nodding, smiling, stammering which increases sense of idiocy for self. And the conductor's inability to look at me in the eyes when he talked only increased my insecurity, reminding me not to be taken away by sense of familiarity - Chinese, tradition, goodwill and all that. As the rehearsal started he put me in Section 1. It made me cringe with the old dread of doing something I'm not good enough at. But the rehearsal was well, even though I was stumbling through due to infamiliarity of the scores.
Sneaked out at 4.30 during the break to go to erhu lesson. When found out by the conductor, promised to stay to the end the following week. Thought there was plenty of time but when I got off the MRT at Toa Payoh it was already 10 minutes to the start of the lesson. And missed two buses due to the inability to locate a traffic light to cross the road. Was frustrated more by lethargy due to body aching from intensive badminton playing two days ago. Got to instructor's home at 6.15 and missed the lesson by 1/2 hr. And was dumb enough to spent more time chatting with her about the orchestra (but I couldn't have done otherwise, so pleased was I to see her, as usual; and stuff like I was waived of the audition on account of my being her student just got cooked up effortlessly). When the next girl came, she let her wait as usual, but only for a short while before she closed my notebook with a clap and said, "ok." I knew it was a sign for me to go but I couldn't quite believe that's happening. With usual reticence though, I just stared for the minimal period of time and got up and went. Only had 25 min of lesson. Mum's concern with the fees is getting to me, and it seemed impossible to pick up the former lack of interest in money matters such as this and insistence instead on quality of time and stuff like that.
Tried a new route home via Serangoon MRT station just to spend off the time so parents would not suspect shortened lesson. Bought a litre of pasteurised honeydew-flavour milk en route and drank it all despite aweful taste and urgent need to go to bathroom. Walking in twilight was quite nice though - brought back memories - and would've enjoyed more if not for aching body. In retrospect no one can be blamed for my being late. Still, more than ever distressed by the link between artists and commercialisation/earning of dough. That link seems to be born out of necessity. Also can't exactly deny it's more worthwhile to spend on learning than on entertainment. Learning a musical instrument is still an endeavour whose meaning hasn't been taken out for me (heaven forbid!); learning in general has that cathartic, spitual sublimity that's worth a lot of pains; learning in the context of the research profession is dangerously close to the state of utter drain of energy and motivation, but I'm in denial of that.
posted by Azzurra | 4:55 PM
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